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Why Is Change So Hard (Healing Your Life, Part 1)

Why Is Change So Hard?  Or, why do we think it’s so hard?  Have you ever heard someone say that real change takes a long time to lock in?  

Is that maybe something you’ve said yourself?

Here’s the thing – if you’re telling yourself, or your friends, or (god-forbid) your children this…you’re doing them a major disservice.  You’re setting everyone in your life up for failure….  

Change doesn’t take a long time to happen.

That’s a myth.  Change is actually instantaneous. We cling to this belief that change has to be hard, but it’s really  our own resistance to change that slows us down.  I can already hear you sputtering…

“But, but, but…you can only change one thing at a time!  Willpower is limited!”

That’s just not true.  In fact, the fastest kind of change happens without any willpower at all.

Our Past is The Burden That Stops Us From Changing…

Let’s be clear, there is no rule that we have to keep carrying our past.

Do you know my story?  (If not, trust me you will.  I hammer on about it all the time.)  Anyway, the short version is this: physical abuse followed by drug abuse followed by homelessness and rock bottom.

I was so angry and stuck in the “victim mindset” – I didn’t even ask to be born!  Why is this so hard?! – and because of that, I was projecting out onto the world all these negative thoughts and feelings.  

Everything looked ugly to me.

Finally, I woke up to the core concept: we’re all one and we’re only fighting ourselves. Through that realization, I got down to “wow, I’m just fighting myself…. Nobody’s punching me in the face anymore… I don’t have any of the challenges of my childhood, but I’m dragging them forward from my past with my core story.”

What Is A Core Story?

Our core story begins with something that happens to us when we’re very young. And we carry it with us, we live into that story until we change it for ourselves.  

As babies, we were completely dependent on our parents, and for most of us, we received everything we needed until a certain point in time…and then suddenly, we didn’t.  

Mom didn’t come when we cried.  The food we were given wasn’t enough to fill us up.  The universe became uncertain and unsafe.

Human beings fill in the reason for that uncertainty with meaning.  Meaning makes us feel safe. But that meaning, if set up a certain way, can affect us for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes we rationalize with an explanation like “I’m not enough.”  And once that seed has been planted, we start to see it everywhere, every time something doesn’t work out for us.

It becomes our core story.

So What happens If We Change Our Story?  

What happens if you start talking to yourself differently about what’s possible and who you want to be?  I did that for myself, and I literally dropped my whole victim identity and came into a new sense of what was possible for me and who I was.

Over just a few years I went from homeless to working as a clerk in a mailroom to VP of a corporation in Philadelphia – all with no credentials – building out a software business for them and making a very nice exit.

Now, listen…you might already be saying “that’s never going to work for me.”  But I promise I had absolutely nothing back then that you don’t have right now.

And do you want to know a secret?  It can be as simple as the questions you ask…what if there were right and wrong questions to ask yourself?

Become The Author of Your Core Story

If you have been trying to make changes in your life, but you feel like you’re going around in circles, the reason may be as simple as your core story being out of whack.

And while this remains unconscious to you – whatever you do to try to solve your problems just reinforce that story

You end up trying to change and ask yourself questions like, what’s wrong with me? why am I such a loser? when will I finally earn enough to be happy?   But all you’re really doing is beating yourself down.

You’re trying to change and grow but instead, you’ve become your own worst enemy and it doesn’t solve anything.

In fact, things can get worse.  The results might be extreme procrastination, frustration, anger, desperation, learned helplessness, and lashing out at others – even loved ones. You can push hard and burn out trying to reach success, but…

You’re Going to Wind Up With Incremental Change At Best

So what happens when you ask the right questions?  Things like…

Who do I need to become to make this change? What kind of person does what I want to do effortlessly?  

When you ask these kinds of questions, you can immediately shift your way into success.

The results are motivation, passion, happiness, clarity, and grit.  You see all these results because you’ve developed self-worth and self-love.  

Seriously, you are amazing.

There is no one else on earth with your unique perspective, and there never will be again.  You deserve so much more than incremental change – and the rest of the world deserves to share in what you have to offer! So…

Are You Ready to Bloom?

Honestly, this article might be enough for you to finally grab hold of the life you want.  Sometimes we just need the awareness of the burdens we carry – and once we see that weight for what it is, we drop it and move on.  I was able to change my core story, and maybe you can too.

But you might need to go deeper.  You might need to understand why you procrastinate change, and how you can let go of your fears long enough to allow this shift to happen in your life.

If that’s the case, then find support.  Get a mentor when you can.  And keep an eye out for the next article in this series.  It’s all about why we procrastinate.

I’ll talk with you then…

About Rob Scott

Master coach, teacher, and lover of presence. I shift people's minds, and help them massively transform. Get in touch here.